For the last week, an underlying current of anger has simmered just below the surface, ready to bubble up and explode out of my mouth at any moment.
I’ve studied it, sat with it, and wondered about its source. No matter what I do, it doesn’t go away. I have to breathe before speaking a word for fear I might incinerate an unsuspecting family member at any moment.
Today, I realized why.
I’m grieving. And my grief is complicated and messy, and dark, and sometimes really ugly.
I’m grieving that we are entering another screwed-up year for my job. Another year with no field trips, or assemblies for my children and students. Another year of missed opportunities. Another year of having to weigh the risk of every interaction with the people I love. Another year of holidays spent outside or alone.
And I’m pissed.
If I’m being truly honest, I believe I am more pissed this year because I did what I was supposed to do and because others I’m dealing with the consequences. And my life motto, “There’s always another way” can’t help me now.
My hands are tied, and I’m furious.
So, I’m living in the anger phase of grief. As the year progresses, I’m sure I will migrate to sadness and then at some point acceptance of this messed up world we live in but for now, I’m sitting with my rage.
If you’re feeling the same way as me, know you’re not alone.
If you need a podcast on understanding the stages of grief, check out this podcast by my favorite, Brene Brown. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/
Love and Light to you all. May you stay safe as you move about the scary world we live in.